Of Celery Sticks and Jam
by La Carlotta Giudecelli
Summary: Yugi’s Grandpa is so old that he’s lost his mind. Contains a very strange and crazy grandfather, foul language, dub names, and character bashing. This is really, REALLY disturbing. Read at your own risk. NO FLAMES.


**Title: **Of Celery Sticks and Jam  
**By:** Miss Misa  
**Rated:** M to be safe.  
**Warnings: **A very strange and mental grandfather, attempts to hump objects, foul language, character bashing (sort of). This is really, REALLY disturbing. Read at your own risk. NO FLAMES.  
**Summary:** Yugi's Grandpa is getting so old that he's starting to lose his mind (not that he wasn't crazy before he got old and wrinkly.)

**Category: **Drama/Angst (The fic isn't angsty/depressing at all, Yugi is just miserable XD)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or any of the characters in it. If I did, Yugi/Yami and a vast majority of his friends would have died in the first episode.

**A/N: **This idea suddenly popped in my head when I was watching Joey and Valon duel and listening to the Transformers Animated opening at the same time. I don't know where this sick, twisted idea came from! I hope this doesn't mentally scar you too badly.

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Yugi Muto was getting very depressed lately. He even considered committing suicide because of his depression. Of course, his grandfather refused to give him any medication. The reasons for this were, number one, his grandfather couldn't hear probably and he knew that he would somehow mess up the prescription, and number two, he was the cause of Yugi's depression. Every day, poor Yugi's pure virgin mind was tainted with his grandfather's awkward behavior. He started doing very odd things like dressing up as a witch and attempting to jump off of a hill, making hats out of condoms, and cross dressing in public. Yugi almost _died_ of embarrassment every time he was forced to go out with his grandfather. On the day this story took place, however, Yugi's grandpa acted even _more_ strangely.

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Domino City. Well, for everyone except for Yugi, that is. Yugi woke up to the awful noise of his grandfather attempting to do the Soulja Boy and sing the song "Crank That" at the same time.

"Yoooouuuu! Soulja boy I tell 'em! Hey I got a new dance fo you all called the soulja boy  
Yoooouuuu! You gotta punch then crank back three times from left to right! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaah!" Grandpa sang horribly. He spun around a few times, nearly knocking over a table and butchering the original dance.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Yugi, running around in circles. He started freaking out, and as a result, grabbed his grandpa's head roughly and shoved it into the wall, knocking him out cold.

He got ready quickly and ran out of the game shop as quickly as he could. Halfway to school, he remembered that he had forgotten to eat breakfast.

"It's too late, Yugi. You're already running late," said Yami.

"I know that!" snapped Yugi. "Stupid grandpa! I wish that old geezer would die already! He's already so damn OLD! Why can't he just drop dead? He doesn't even have a reason to live anymore!"

"There's a reason for everything, Yugi. The sun shines, the Earth spins, and-"

"Okay, okay…I get it," muttered Yugi. He quickly ran to his school and finally arrived to his locker.

"You're late today! I was so worried!" exclaimed Tea as she ruffled Yugi's spikey hair.

"I know. It was my stupid grandpa's fault. I think he was drunk or something."

"Well, good thing you're here!" said Tristan.

All of the friends laughed for no good reason, and then walked to their next class. After school was finished, Joey and Yugi decided to walk together.

"So, Yugi, what did your gramps do this mornin'?" asked Joey in his Brooklyn accent.

"He dressed up as a rapper and started doing the Soulja Boy."

Joey stared at Yugi for a long time. "Does he do this…frequently?"

"Well, he always does something like this at least once a day at the minimum."

"Ya know, you could stay at my house for awhile. Maybe that could make things better-"

"No, my grandpa won't let me out of his sight," sighed the spikey haired boy.

"Well, we're at your shop now but if you need anything, don't be scared to tell me!"

Yugi nodded and waved to Joey as he disappeared out of his sight. He sighed loudly and wailed as he took slow steps into his grandpa's card shop.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" cried his grandfather as Yugi took his first step. He started twirling around but then Yugi noticed something very strange…

"Grandpa…" started Yugi. "Why are you…NAKED?"

"Because I like to be naked."

"But-"

"NO BUTTS! Except for mine, that is! Now go to your room before I stick a dildo down your throat!"

Yugi gulped and did as he was told. After finishing his homework, he lay down on his bed and waited for dinner, which probably was celery dipped in jam which Yugi had for dinner every day.

"Yugi, you seemed troubled," said Yami's deep voice. "Tell me what's wrong?"

"I just hate Grandpa so much!" replied Yugi quickly.

"He's an old man, what do you expect?"

"So much help you are…" muttered Yugi darkly as his grandfather called him for dinner. He walked downstairs, dreading his disgusting meal.

"Yugi, I have a very special surprise for you!" said his grandfather.

"Oh, great!" exclaimed Yugi hopefully. "Is it a meal from McDonalds? 'Cause, ya know, I'm like the only person in my whole school who has never eaten something from McDonalds and-"

"Oh, of course not, my dear boy! Whatever gave you that sick idea? You know that I would never waste that much money on _you_! Plus, you have to stay nice and skinny like me!" Yugi frowned as he saw what his grandfather lay out in front of him. "Zucchini and ice-cream salad!"

Yugi gagged on his own saliva and swore he could feel his face paling. His grandfather always gave him this awful "meal" once a year. He should have expected that!

"Uh…" Yugi was at a loss for words. "Thanks…"

Grandpa poured the disgusting food on Yugi's huge plate. Yugi tried to hold back a gag, but failed miserably. Grandpa smirked horribly as he saw how much his poor grandson was suffering.

"Now, for my special performance!"

"Oh, God! Anything but that!" pleaded Yugi. "Please, NOOO!"

The performance was ten times _worse_ than the disgusting salad. His grandfather would do some strange act that would give Yugi nightmares for a whole month. He could think of various examples of acts that his grandfather had done before on the top of his head, like wearing a tutu and dancing, singing opera, or belly dancing. Yugi's string of thoughts was cut off when he was gagged with a smelly rag that his grandpa had used to clean the floor and was tied to the chair he was sitting in. He was forced to watch as his grandpa stripped naked and climbed on the table. He tried to shut his eyes, but his grandfather smacked him.

"Watch me, you bastard or the performance will be twice as long!"

Yugi unwillingly opened his large, purple orbs again and watched as his naked grandfather spun around and shook his fat ass. His rolls of fat vibrated with each one of his moves. Yugi whimpered and tried to beg his grandfather to stop, but his gag muffled him. After that, his grandpa got back on the floor and started humping the table. Yugi couldn't hold in his screams any longer. His screams were audible, even though he still had the gag on. Eventually, one of his neighbors heard the racket and saw what was going on. His grandfather was butt naked except for a rose in his mouth and some high heels, and Yugi was still tied to the chair and yelling bloody murder.

The next day, Yugi had to be sent to a mental hospital and his grandpa was sent to prison. Eventually, Yugi mentally recovered but he never was the same again. He also couldn't play duel monsters because whenever he did he would think of his grandpa and his old shop. But in the end, everyone lived happily. Well, somewhat anyway.

THE END

- - -

**A/N: **Whew, horrible right? Yeah, I know. I'm fucked up in the head. Well, I hope this wasn't too awkward. xD


End file.
